Relationship troubles
dear uncle,
ive liked a guy for about three years now. and were pretty close. but i met him a month after he met his girlfriend of three years. everytime he calls, he complains about her. she’s clingy and jealous and its obviously not a good relationship. but hell never leave her, and im not a good enough person to want him to be happy with someone else. especially when hes not happy with her.
hes coming to visit this weekend, and i dont know what to do. i could do what weve been doing. but ignoring is starting to really hurt.
what do i do?
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9 Comments to “Relationship troubles”
January 23rd, 2008 at 5:27 pm
hey, i am no uncle dan, but i will say this.
there is something to be said about a man who is constantly complaining about his girlfriend. especially to a person he feels chemistry with (i am assuming its mutual)
i know you like him, i know it seems wonderful, but for real, do you really want this guy? i mean, at the end of the day, it sounds like he knows you like him and yet still persists (for three years, mind you) with the girlfriend who apparently sucks…wtf?
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January 23rd, 2008 at 5:30 pm
I had a small discussion in my head about this, and tossed it around a bit with a few people in the chatroom.
If you’re in Europe, I say go for it. If you’re in the US, think twice.
In all seriousness though… This sounds very familiar, though usually I hear it from a guy’s perspective. Like this link: http://www.bash.org/?414593
I suggest that you live life without regrets. I don’t believe in breaking people up either, but I guess you have to wonder about the long term perspective of things. Do you really think you’d be better than this girl? Do you think a little short term harm to their relationship might actually help him in the long run?
I guess a bigger question to ask is how he sees you. There’s no point in making a move to find out he’s not interested. Try to think objectively about it too.
But in the end, regarding the weekend… Usually when things happen, they just happen. You can spend a lot of time thinking about it, but I hold the opinion that opportunities really can be lost, and it’s far better to have tried and failed than to never have tried at all.
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January 23rd, 2008 at 6:33 pm
Wow Dan, this bash quote brings back memories:
“DragonflyBlade21: A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you’re a great guy, but I don’t like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we’re not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we’re going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn’t work out, we’ll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.”
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January 23rd, 2008 at 8:37 pm
I agree with uncle dan. I think everyone goes through something like this. It’s complicated, and as much as we want to get what we want, we still gotta think of the other girl, (or guy) that the person we’re interested with, right?
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January 24th, 2008 at 2:25 am
From my experience with European men, I’d have to say:
Whatever you do - don’t sleep with the guy.
I don’t know what it is about British and Spanish guys (don’t have enough data about the rest) but they seem to have this sense of entitlement to sex with any other women if they are bored or having relationship troubles with their partner.
It’s not just about consideration to the other female involved in this issue this guy has created - it’s also about having consideration for yourself!
There is no need for you to provide social services to a guy just because he’s feeling bad. Let’s face it. Guys will have sex just to feel better. And when they feel better they will forget about you and even say things like: But I thought you wanted the same thing as me!
Unless he makes a clean break first and stops whining about his girlfriend - don’t sleep with him…ever.
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January 29th, 2008 at 8:59 am
Anonymous, would you like to chat with me privately?
I want to know how you’re doing and if you need any more help.
You can contact me anonymously at
tckproject @ gmail.com
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August 10th, 2008 at 4:13 pm
All I can think is that no matter who this guy goes out with, he will spend his life complaining about it to someone else. Worse yet, since you are the one he has spent all this time complaining to, you might be the one who gets all the whining, only this time it’s about something else or even about you. I know how it is being with people who complain and it is not fun. Don’t think that it is just because he is unhappy with her that he does it. Many people have a tendency to complain and won’t be satisfied until they do it each and every day and that is just the way they are. It’s a pessimistic outlook. Maybe you would overcome this, but I can’t help but think that it is a lost cause trying to get him to be happy with who is with.
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August 10th, 2008 at 10:24 pm
@Ayako: Lol are you sure it’s just European men who are like tat?
i say…just keep on being his frd. cuz as i always say, the only way to hold on to somebody’s heart forever is to be their friend. And i reli think this applies to both guys and girls.
See I’ve been in love with this guy for 3 years, and weirdly enough, I love him because he is a crazy player and actually reli don’t want him to change. He not only complains, he basically report everything to me everyday like the way somebody would pour out everything in their diary. I know it sounds ridiculous, but the truth is, if there’s one girl he actually can’t live without, it’s me, not the girls he mess with. and i noe every1 thinks he’s not worth it, but it’s not like I feel robbed of something anyways… I still have my life and I don’t bother waiting for him to finally choose me or anything.
In short…befriend the guy u actually care about.
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August 11th, 2008 at 12:54 am
I’m going to be unoriginal and steal a bit of Brice’s work analogy mojo.
Employers are, as a rule, highly reluctant to hire anybody who, during the interview, complains about their current/previous employer. (cause some day, they’ll be elsewhere complaining about them)
This guy’s had no problem stringing you along for 3 years, I have a hard time seeing what the appeal could possibly be (his commitment? his “charming” personality? his honest, straightforward relationship history with women?). Proceed with extreme caution. Or better yet, go find a good guy instead. They’re out there.
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