3 Reasons Why Being a TCK is Challenging. (Share your burdens here)
This is a writing exercise. Name 3 reasons Why being a TCK is challenging.
Do you think being a TCK sucks? Well, some TCKs seem to think so. It’s challenging if you have restlessness, a lack of identity, short-term relationships and unresolved grief. If you’ve been on the site long enough, then you won’t be surprised to find out that some TCKs have had to deal with issues like depression, drugs, alcoholism, and self-injury.
-Do you feel like you don’t belong anywhere?
-Do you have short-term relationships and friendships (18 months to 2 years)?
-Do you have a lot of unresolved grief and sadness for breaking off relationships and friendships?
-Do you feel restless and unable to deal with it?
-Have you always felt you never got a say when your parents decided to move?
We have many hidden losses and unresolved grief. It’s time to write about them.
This post is about naming 3 reasons why being a TCK is challenging. Name your losses and allow yourself to write about your deepest feelings.
“Why write about negative emotions? Isn’t that a bad idea?”
Pennebaker, a professor in the Department of Psychology at The University of Texas at Austin is a pioneer in the study of using expressive writing as a route to healing. His research has shown that short-term focused writing can have a beneficial effect on everyone from those dealing with a terminal illness to victims of violent crime to college students facing first-year transitions.
“When people are given the opportunity to write about emotional upheavals, they often experience improved health,” Pennebaker says. “They go to the doctor less. They have changes in immune function. If they are first-year college students, their grades tend to go up. People will tell us months afterward that it’s been a very beneficial experience for them.”
So.. what did you lose? What are you really angry or sad about? What are your fears? Who hurt you and who did you hurt?
You can rant and express yourself and post anonymously if you want by logging in as “anonymoustck”.
Username:anonymoustck
Password:anonymoustck
ON THE POSITIVE SIDE: Should my children be TCKs? and What’s the best thing about being a TCK? Read reasons why being a TCK has been a positive experience.
November 9th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
Maiija,
“And now, finding most of the people I have met and will meet cannnot relate to my life, sometimes all I can do is call someone who understands to keep from getting depressed.”
-> This must be really hard. I need reminders from someone who understands me too that it’s okay to not fit in, that it’s not my fault that it’s supposed to be difficult. The local people come from a different world–it is not a world that is familiar to me.
John123,
“I have no problem opening up but then when it comes to deeper issues I tend to have trust issues and feel a need to move on and make new relationships.”
-> I can make friends very fast and relate to many but I too struggle with opening up when it comes to deeper issues. I truly care about my friendships and I mean well for them but at times when none of my friends seem to get my struggles and I feel left all alone (though that is not their intention. They simply cannot understand me) I feel disconnected and it gets really hard. I think it’s good to acknowledge this feeling and frustration because by acknowledging there’s healing taking place. When I am in this community, I know I am not alone in this walk and it’s healing to hear others’ honest stories.
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November 16th, 2008 at 7:32 pm
It hurts when u finally start making friends and developing relationships and then you just have to let go all these beatiful relationships, you try to stay in touch, but secretly u know you will move on and they too will move on. I’,m currently studying abroad, and i cherish my friendships here, but i know its just a matter of time, when i’ll move again and leave everything behind.
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December 4th, 2008 at 5:12 am
It sucks to be a parent who dragged your kids into this life and they did not choose it. Having lived a very sheltered life as a kid I think it is wonderful for my kids to have a chance to be so global….Imena the kids I grew up with have NO CLUE…..but I know deep down there are up and down sides to all of this..especially as my kids get older….I just try to be a supportive parents and make the best of it…
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December 8th, 2008 at 7:20 pm
Wow,
It is pretty amazing to know that there are so many of us out there, facing the same difficulties. I can definitely relate to all the post that have been made so far. The restlessness seems to be a pretty dominant issue at the moment. I’m guessing it’s escalated by the fact that, after I moved from my “comfort zone” of an international school to the West, my parents decided to experience their all-too-common mid-life crises. So, on top of having to re-adjust to a Western country that I SHOULD have been comfortable with, I had to deal with university life, as well as a broken home and family.
Although I was able to make friends and socialize with anyone and everyone, I made sure I chose my friends wisely. I was fortunate to have some of my friends from high school, but I found myself reminiscing about my “golden years” way too often. I was so used to traveling every six months, that I found it difficult to “settle down.” I simply didn’t want to.
Four years later, I’m still experiencing restlessness and I’m noticing how it is affecting my relationships. I get frustrated when people can’t accept each others’ differences, especially when it comes to culture and religion. Perhaps I lived my important years in a Utopian environment, but I distinctly remember being taught and shown tolerance of differences.
*sigh* There’s a lot more to rant about but I think this should do for now. Thanks for this wonderful site, and greetings to all other TCKs!
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December 11th, 2008 at 7:50 am
I haven’t had time to read through all of the posts above (though I’m getting there!)
For me probably the biggest negative at the moment is about “control”. Like many others in this community I lived a significant portion of my formative years not just in different cultures; but also moving so frequently, and experiencing such a high degree of dislocation, that I wasn’t able to properly “function” as a child in any real or meaningfull sense.
I Moved from a primary school in England (not my parents home country), to an american school in India, to a French school in India, to a bilingual school in Canada, to a monolingual school in Canada, to a state school in rural England, to a posh British boarding school… and I did that in the 5 years before I turned 9.
Having no control over what happened next, I learned to survive; learned to change the way I behaved, spoke and dressed in response to what was going on around me; learned to accept that much of what I had learned in the past was worthless in the present; and when things got really bad I learned to just click off and create an alternate reality for myself and wait it out.
All of this was a REACTION to the turmoil on the OUTSIDE; as an adult I have found it hard to take ACTION in a way that respects what I have on the INSIDE i.e. my opinions, feelings, desires and beliefs.
Practically speaking this means that I will carry on doing something to the best of my abilities until something beyond my control stops me; regardless of how unpleasant, unfair or damaging it is. I am always putting myself in the position of trying to make the best of a desperate situation.
I can feel myself falling (hopelessly) in love with this site!
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December 13th, 2008 at 9:18 am
WE ARE X-MEN!! OR TCK-MEN
*THEME MUSIC with graphics*
But yes, it’s not easy being us. We ourselves are so diverse i wonder if even we can understand ourselves? THe world is really a huge place, what are the chances of us being in the same place in the same situation?
3 reasons:
1. No 1 understand or is in the exact same situation as you; majority of people you meet who are not TCK-Men (women). Even among us TCKs, can we relate to each other? I am new, so can someone enlighten me?
2. You start doubting yourself as a person and it can become self loathing when you are disconnected from your people, your nationality/culture, and it may be a long time before you return to your homeland. And even if you do… your homeland (where u were born) has probably changed through immigration, e.g. Britain or parts of Europe… making you feel more like a foreigner.
3. Even within your household/home, though it may be culturally and aesthetically british or chinese or wherever you are from or whatever you are. THe fact remains that there is only YOU in that home, and local friends feel like they are going into another world when they come over, a world they are not and can not be part of realistically (though there are few exceptions). You are alone within your shell. Whilst you do develop as a person connected with your people/culture, you do so on your own.. and it is lonely
= Depression can set it. I used to be depressed until I learned to rise above it my believing in my inherent superiority to those locals around me until i returned to where i felt home is.
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December 13th, 2008 at 6:40 pm
Great topic!! When we repatriated to the Philippines from the US (I was 13 and angry that I didn’t get to go to high school with my friends) my mother told me I’d thank her someday; and that my brothers and sisters and I would be more open-minded than people who never got to travel like we did.
Thirty years and several cities and countries later, I am grateful for my upbringing, but am aware of some challenges:
1. Keeping feelings to myself and not allowing myself to get too attached to things or people. I’ve lost a few friends because they couldn’t understand my tendency to withdraw whenever I started feeling “suffocated” (having said that though, I really love being alone sometimes)
2. I can’t stay put for more than six weeks at a time, even if it means just hopping on a 40-minute ferry ride to Indonesia for a day.
3. When I’m in the US or Europe visiting, I’m perceived as “Asian”; when I’m in Asia my Asian and European friends think I’m “too American”. I don’t fit in completely but I’m totally ok with it now.
I’ve just finished reading Ruth’s book and I can’t tell you how many times I had to stop just to have a good cry. It’s probably saved me thousands in therapy
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December 16th, 2008 at 11:04 pm
I fully agree with the writing thing. Whether or not anyone ever reads it is irrelevant. It does the same as using someone as a sounding board only you dont’ feel any level of restriction. As for being a TCK, while it’s introduced unique personality challenges I wouldn’t trade it for the world because I’ve done things most haven’t. Most importantly, I likely wouldn’t have gotten as far mental maturity wise in life as I have. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, American schools suck in general and this country’s values are so bassackwards to the point that we focus on winning the lottery or building up our bank accounts well before we consider helping the healthcare and education systems. Doctors should NOT be afraid of their patients because something happened, but if they screw up they should help resolve it. Teachers should CARE and not be afraid to look at a student wrong for fear of sexual abuse accusations or being shot by a gang banger….I’m sure there is more but it’s 2am :-p
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January 1st, 2009 (5 days ago) at 2:49 pm
Wow. It was good to come to this forum today and read some of these entries. At least there is a “safe” place where it is okay to be a TCK.
It’s been a rough day–actually a rough season–where I have felt pigeonholed and misunderstood. Sometimes it’s tough being a TCK married to a non-TCK. The Christmas holidays with extended family were brutal. I often feel confused and unable to understand or fit into this culture. To be honest, I’m not even sure I LIKE American culture. I find it somewhat consumeristic, self-absorbed, and ethno-centric.
And yet I’m not fully African either, especially since my skin is white. I was born in Zimbabwe, spending 8 of my 17 years in the bush, and attended International School in South Africa for two years as well. Culturally, I think I’m more African that I am American.
But my parents were missionaries, which brings prejudice against me from the African side. I know the hearts of my parents, and that they love the people of Zimbabwe and went there with the purest of intentions—even risking their own lives through the war to do the best they could to fight injustice.
However…..it doesn’t make a difference in Zimbabwean circles. When I’ve tried to join in with Zimbabwean groups, I’m ostracized for being white and an MK. Some of the hateful comments I hear by people who don’t even know my parents hurt deeply. They were not white colonialists. My dad was even on a hit list for two years, and two of my homes were mortared after we managed to safely evacuate. We were targeted there for being American.
But when I try to fit into American groups, I just don’t fit culturally. I get frustrated…..even angry……that they seem to care so little about the rest of the world…..especially Zimbabwe…. since the crisis there is on the forefront of my mind. I’ve tried to raise support, political intervention, money, and awareness for Zimbabwe—yet only a handful of people seem to care enough to respond. Even my closest acquaintances just don’t get it.
I’ve found that my best friends are TCKs from completely different cultures. My closest friends in the last three places I’ve lived have been from Uganda, Taiwan and Indonesia. The only frustrating thing with that is they seem able to find communities from their own cultural background, and I can never find mine. So while they are typically my “best” friend, I’m further down on their friend list after those from their own cultural group.
It just feels like I’m stuck in limbo somewhere over the Atlantic Ocean and will never fit anywhere.
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January 1st, 2009 (5 days ago) at 5:19 pm
Here are my three reasons.
1. Lack of Absolutes and Taboos
A child who grew up around nudists would not have the same body and clothing taboos that most of “civilised society” does. As someone who grew up and through many cultures I lack a lot of the moral absolutes and taboos that those around me consider normal because I didn’t get that same cultural brainwashing. To some drinking alcohol at every meal is completely normal, to others its a serious problem that I should address. Some cultures insult your “manliness” some insult your ancestry and some insult your mother. I occasionally give “playful ribbing” that is seen by others as “scathing attack”. In short though I live in the culture, I am not always of the culture and it shows.
2. Tangled webs of obligation and debt.
Everyone agrees that if someone helps you, you should help them in return. It’s the basis of polite society, but how exactly you are obliged to repay them and to what extent varies wildly and I can never quite get it right. If someone loans me ten dollars… Thats easy, its a nice abstract number. But if they give me a ride to the airport, what is the equivalent in lunches or drinks at the bar to repay the favor? A poor example maybe but differing value systems make it hard to nail down.
3. Being one of a kind.
I’ve seen tshirts that say, “I live in my own little world, but it’s ok, they know me there.” A lot of times I feel I do live in my own little world. I’m the only one exactly like me. People make friends and form associations based on shared experiences and shared pain. No one else has been through the same things I have so how can I really belong? I understand intellectually of course that other people have similar experiences, but they didn’t go through them with me. The people who were “there” aren’t here and the people who are here weren’t “there”.
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