3 Reasons Why Being a TCK is Challenging. (Share your burdens here)
This is a writing exercise. Name 3 reasons Why being a TCK is challenging.
Do you think being a TCK sucks? Well, some TCKs seem to think so. It’s challenging if you have restlessness, a lack of identity, short-term relationships and unresolved grief. If you’ve been on the site long enough, then you won’t be surprised to find out that some TCKs have had to deal with issues like depression, drugs, alcoholism, and self-injury.
-Do you feel like you don’t belong anywhere?
-Do you have short-term relationships and friendships (18 months to 2 years)?
-Do you have a lot of unresolved grief and sadness for breaking off relationships and friendships?
-Do you feel restless and unable to deal with it?
-Have you always felt you never got a say when your parents decided to move?
We have many hidden losses and unresolved grief. It’s time to write about them.
This post is about naming 3 reasons why being a TCK is challenging. Name your losses and allow yourself to write about your deepest feelings.
“Why write about negative emotions? Isn’t that a bad idea?”
Pennebaker, a professor in the Department of Psychology at The University of Texas at Austin is a pioneer in the study of using expressive writing as a route to healing. His research has shown that short-term focused writing can have a beneficial effect on everyone from those dealing with a terminal illness to victims of violent crime to college students facing first-year transitions.
“When people are given the opportunity to write about emotional upheavals, they often experience improved health,” Pennebaker says. “They go to the doctor less. They have changes in immune function. If they are first-year college students, their grades tend to go up. People will tell us months afterward that it’s been a very beneficial experience for them.”
So.. what did you lose? What are you really angry or sad about? What are your fears? Who hurt you and who did you hurt?
You can rant and express yourself and post anonymously if you want by logging in as “anonymoustck”.
Username:anonymoustck
Password:anonymoustck
ON THE POSITIVE SIDE: Should my children be TCKs? and What’s the best thing about being a TCK? Read reasons why being a TCK has been a positive experience.
December 29th, 2007 at 1:14 pm
1. I hated my parents for the longest time when I was a teenager. But I never expressed it, I kept it bottled up inside because I’ve been told “we’ve made sacrifices so you can enjoy all those opportunities”. I didn’t see it that way. All I saw was the pain of saying goodbye to my friends, being confused about my identity, and feeling like I don’t belong anywhere. My parents didn’t understand, they were too “stuck” in their ways. I never had a role model, or someone I could look up to .. or some cultural identity I could understand and live by. Mine was too confusing, and it didn’t make sense. I was really depressed whenever I had to move to a new place, and especially during “re-entry” where I felt like a foreigner.
2. Difficult relationships… I feel like I struggle committing to relationships. I get in a group of people, get short-term friends, but not *real* close friends that I can rely on because if we get too close I tend to leave. I’m afraid of opening up, and revealing too much of myself.
3. Fear of the future. I always wondered what the hell I was supposed to do in life. What was in store for me? I felt confused and kept going after different careers and choices, and I was never taught these things.
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December 29th, 2007 at 1:46 pm
I turned many of those negatives into positives lately, but I do remember how hard it was when I was younger, and had no clue about this “TCK” thing.
1. Cultural shock. Re-entry made me absolutely miserable. I think I was 13 years old when it first happened, and that’s a horrible time to cut off friendships. I had to learn a new language, learn new cultural rules, and so on. I hated it, and I felt like I didn’t belong anywhere.
I’ll add more soon.
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December 29th, 2007 at 2:15 pm
1- All of my high school friends are scattered throughout the world and I have no idea where 90% of them are. (I have 2 people on facebook from my high school who are non-mks, which makes me happy). but the other 50 i have no idea. My brother just went back to djibouti, and found out that one of his friends died a few years ago. that sucks.
it’s easier that way. I can be friends with them, for a bit, but if there’s a hint of anything more, i freak out and lose a friend. And even when I was dating, every time i spent the few months we were dating freaking out until I pushed them away enough that they break up with me, or i break up with them. Which makes me wonder if I’ll ever be able to get married… the concept of “forever” is so foreign….
2- not fitting in anywhere.. I have no idea where I belong, who my ‘real’ friends are (who will be there for even when i’m across the world) which also leads to depression, which i have struggled with over the last 4-5 years.
3-Relationships. I open myself up to people to an extent, but then move on.. leaving them behind it seems. In 5 semesters of college, I’ve had 5 “best friends”. I also don’t trust guys, i don’t know why, but I’m blaming it on TCKness
But.. i also love being a TCK!!
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December 29th, 2007 at 5:21 pm
1. repatriation:
ugh! it was AWFUL! got a lot of shit for not speaking the language, not knowing cultures and customs, laughed at for not knowing popular culture and my background had zero cool points since i had lived in a country folks either hadn’t heard of or associated with famine and poverty. and that, apparently, was not cool. even my parents got frustrated with me, and all this at 8 years old. i began to feel very isolated and HATED my passport country. i still don’t exactly like it there, even though i feel i have dealt with my “demons”.
2. being a novelty:
i am an extrovert and thus usually like attention, i am loud and i like being “different”, but not ALWAYS. sometimes i just want to be with people that get me from the get go. as a teen i liked hearing the phrase “i’ve never met anyone like you before” it made me feel original, special, but after a while i just got sick of it, i wanted to meet someone who just listened to what i said and talked to me, got to know me, didn’t think i was so weird. luckily i found my fiance, who is weirder than me (believe it or not)
3. not knowing:
i just found out i am tck a few months ago, so basically i went through my childhood and teens not knowing. not knowing why i was so different, why i was so shunned, why i was so restless. sure i knew it had to do with the fact that i had grown up outside my passport country, but i had no vocabulary to articulate why simply growing up in another country could change who i am so drastically. it sometimes made me feel a fraud, as though i was pretending to be this way, and maybe everyone was right and i should just suck it up and be like my peers. not knowing can drive you crazy, because you think you are crazy and you don’t have anyone telling you different.
luckily i have dealt with and still dealing with some of these issues, but i know they will be with me forever. for example, i am still SO defensive about the fact that i don’t speak my mother tongue, and i think i always will be. recently my fiance mentioned that i will be expected to learn his mother tongue once we are married, i got REALLY defensive about it. he was surprised since he plans to learn mine. i realized i associate language so strongly with my self-worth. as a child i was made to feel that i was worth nothing because i did not speak a certain language, and thus now, when i am questioned about language, any language i get HELLA defensive.
see? still a work in progress. guess we all are.
phew! that felt good! (tckid: the “t” is for “therapy”!)
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December 29th, 2007 at 8:37 pm
1) Not really being able to finish what I started or realize my talents to the furthest extent or being able to purse my interests. I was always good at sports, but now I keep wondering what could have been. I went to a school which was so small as not to be even able to field a soccer team. This part could turn into a rant… sometimes I feel like I wasted some of my talents or never got an opportunity to realize them…
2) Friendships and relationships. It’s hard moving every 2 years and making new friends, usually in very small schools and then leaving them. It’s even harder then coming to a big school and a non-TCK envirnoment. You miss out on all the clicques being formed. You make friends, but they’re never as close as you want them to be. Sometimes it’s hard to connect with people. And to add to that actually trying to get a girlfriend is impossible. So a lot of times you end up lonely and depressed. Furthermore this is even worse when you graduate and have to find a job, you end up in a city where you might have lived before, but now know no one.
3) Identity… I won’t even go into this one, cauz I don’t know where to start.
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December 30th, 2007 at 12:17 am
1. Friends. The first few years of my life were spent in one country, but I don’t remember any friends I made or, for that matter, where they are. The ones I do remember after that don’t keep in touch very much. Mostly because of the time difference, sometimes because we have other friends. Kinda sucks since I really do try and keep in touch. Friends you make once you enter another country is hard. You’d like to be close to them, but never as close as you’d like to be.
2. Hanging on. I’ve always had a problem with it, especially with my own home country since it’s the only place I feel I truly belong to, even though I doubt my identity a lot and wonder if I actually do belong.
3. Getting close to others. I’m no extrovert, I prefer to remain close to myself and never let anyone see weaknesses. I don’t want to get close to someone and figure out I have to leave again. I figure if I can eliminate the pain of leaving friends, moving will be halfway bearable. Of course, in a ay, it’s worked, but in a way, it’s not possible to try and stop yourself making friends.
4. My parents. I still have problems, I blame them for making my entire existance miserable. My dad refers to my friends as ‘business contacts’ I honestly dunno what he means by that, but I used to think he obviously had no friends and no life and therefore merely wanted to make my life miserable. In fact, I still do! He keeps saying it’s hard for him to move, but it was hard for him, then I felt he wouldn’t move at all. He keeps going on and on about all the opportunities the travelling gives me, but I have never once believed him.
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December 30th, 2007 at 5:40 am
1) Being treated differently. I may have had a different lifestyle growing up, but that’s no reason to treat me like I’m clueless or developmentally challenged when it comes to living my life “back home” again. Since I’ve moved back to the Philippines and started working here, co-workers have resorted to either speaking slowly with me or mixing Tagalog with English, as if I have trouble understanding them. My Tagalog is definitely not perfect, but I can understand it quite well and do not appreciate being treated like I’m a special needs case.
2) Having my friends be scattered all over the world. Of course, I’m very excited and blessed to even be able to say that. It just means I will always miss people, no matter where I go in the world.
3) Being a TCK is expensive. What with all the traveling, plane tickets, phone calls, Internet time, etc., etc., etc.
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December 30th, 2007 at 8:30 am
1) The loneliness - I grew up as an mk in a small village and for most of the time that I was growing up there were no non-family foreigners within 2 hours. I had a lot of friends among the nationals, but there were so many automatic disconnects that I spent high school very lonely.
2) Not fitting into my culture(s) and not knowing if I wanted to…
3) Losing home. It really isn’t as big a deal to me as it would be for most people, but I still would like a place that could be home.
All that being said, I loved the experience of growing up TCK and especially for 2 & 3 see tremendous disadvantages in the opposite problems too.
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December 30th, 2007 at 11:27 am
1. I don’t know how to stay in one place for more than a few years, even if everything is going good I have to move. I can’t finish any thing I start
2. Not being accepted because I am different and I have moved so much, being lonely
3. losing everything when I move, friends, my home, my stability, my life, my things
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December 30th, 2007 at 2:10 pm
1. Feeling like a complete foreigner in my “home country.” When I spent a year there a few years ago, I felt so stupid for feeling culture shock for actually living in the country I had begged my parents to move back to for YEARS, and I was miserable.
2. Having depression, and almost hurting myself because of it. I know, this probably has nothing to do with my TCK-ness, but being a TCK certainly didn’t help.
3. The loneliness you feel when none of your friends understand what it’s like not to belong anywhere. Now that I’m in university, I feel like that’s my “home” but I still want to live abroad, which means saying good bye to friends, even if it’s only temporary. But people change while you’re gone, and I’ve lost many friends that way.
This past year has been pretty rough, so please excuse me if I’m a bit bitter.
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December 30th, 2007 at 2:34 pm
1. Parents!
They don’t understand, and expect you to be thankful and everything cause you’re ‘priveleged’. Seriously, I KNOW that, I am not dumb - but did they ever think that sometimes, I do miss my friends, and I have my emo moments then? NOOOOO. LOL.
2. Friends that don’t keep in touch.
Okay, sure some are busy, but you can’t ALWAYS be. I find time to keep in touch, why can’t you, right?? And how dare they say that we’re still gonna be tight even after I leave, or after they leave, and then totally disregard you. Thanks man.
3. Opportunities to learn ‘normal stuff’.
Friends here in small town canada, know how to DRIVE and they’re YOUNGER than me. Of course, they’ve had more time to practice and stuff.. but still, I wanna learn how to quad, or snowboard.. then again, I can’t even have lessons. I move too much, it would be a waste to give me lessons for anything. We’re out most of the time.
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December 31st, 2007 at 3:03 am
1. Parents. I have one tck parent and one “normal” one. My relationship with the “normal” one, my mother, is abysmal. She sees my cousins, good catholics raised in the same town she did and still living there and really close to their parents and assumes that I’ll see everything the way they do. I don’t. I hold a different passport, I’ve never lived there, rarely visited I hardly speak the language, boarded in a different country and I’m atheist. She swings between getting angry I’m not more like her or my cousins, and completely denying that side of my heritage to me. I don’t know which is worse. It doesn’t help that my relationship with my dad is easier as he was himself an MK. There are still issues, as he grew up in a very different class culture, didn’t go to Boarding school and so on, but his personality and his ideals are more like mine and so we understand each other better.
2. Alienation of family. Living in so many countries, boarding in yet another one, I’m not close to my family. I don’t feel a connection to them and that can sometimes be upsetting, especially when we visit and see how close my grandmother is to my cousins and how hard they work to make us feel included and cross the language barrier.
3. Relationships. My boyfriend grew up within a 30 mile radius and met some of his best friends while they were still in nappies. He tries very hard to understand, but there are some peculiarities of mine he just can’t understand. Like how bad I am about throwing old stuff away. I find I cling to certain things, particularly decorations, pictures and stuff like that. Because we moved so much, and have moved so much since I left uni, home became associated with particular objects rather than people or places. I try to make him understand but he (understandably) gets defensive and angry when I burst into tears when he tries to throw out a ratty old blanket, for example. No matter how you phrase it, it sounds very strange and pathetic when you try to explain that blanket means home. The blanket is still there.
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December 31st, 2007 at 4:15 am
1. The underlying feeling of restlessness. I can’t seem to be comfortable in one place for very long, be it a home, job or relationship. Thus I tend to move on fairly quickly or, if for some reason I cannot move on when I need to, I get incredibly frustrated.
2. Relationship with my father is terrible. He did not seem to take into account any of my feelings or needs when we had to move. He was also very busy working. I understand that was his job but his job was not everything! He has a family! My mother and I are ok but we do tend to have the odd enormous argument from time to time. This I think is rooted in unresolved feelings from my childhood and teens which is directly linked to how often i had to integrate into a new culture.
3. Identity. This has always been the hardest part for me. Non-tck friends I have made do not understand my aloofness sometimes and mistake it for a kind of arrogance. I just hang back because it is difficult for me to fully integrate with their cultural viewpoint because it is a lot narrower than mine. My TCK friends are scattered across the globe so no real connection there.
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December 31st, 2007 at 12:35 pm
Personally I love being a Tckid
here are three things that do suck
a) Never knowing when you’ll see your friends again, like almost everyone else my friends are scattered all over the world and I know I’ll probably never see them again, saying bye is the hardest part especially when it comes to that point where you really enjoy living somewhere and before you know it your house is empty and your stuff is in boxes, oh geez thats the worse part. I will always remeber standing in my house when it’s empty. I think its hard keeping in touch, especially when they tell you about the fun they are havin? does anyone know what I mean?
b) missing out on alot of the “traditional” stuff of being a kid, like riding ur bike (haha I was kind of late on this one) going to homecoming, growing up with your friends through middle school onto high school. Like hm when you leave someplace and you come back in three years and its completly changed? and you weren’t there to see it happen. Sometimes I feel as if I wasn’t actually there in the first place. Kind of like no sense of belonging
c)Short term relationships. I don’t think I’m a bad person but I just can’t commit to anything at all. Like I will be really good friends with someone and then push them away. I can’t let anyone get too close because I feel like I’ll just end up leaving. I’m also really defensive. I have my moments I guess where I just really want to be close to someone cause sometimes it does get lonely.
Even though these things kind of do suck(I’m not sure if I made any sense) I wouldn’t trade anything for being a Tckid, I think that just comes along. There will always be something bad in whatever I do but I’ve just come to live with it. I just hope that these little things will make me a better person? haha I’m so cliche.
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January 1st, 2008 at 1:45 am
1. “Feels so new~”
Really suck of being asked a few hundred times “Where do you come from?” while I move to a new place. And I agree with many of others here saying that we are treated differently… And to be frank, in asia, many people is jealous of me being a TCKid… Sometimes is frustrating in dealing with such comments… (Altho I seemed to get used to that while growing up)
2. Restlessness
I am afraid of building a long term relationship with any people or to its extreme, I rarely sign any contracts with a maturity of more than a year. Feels particularly bad in festive days… which for others, they may have their families, or friends to share with in a small party… or dinner maybe… I have nearly forgotten when is the last time I had dinner with my family~ lol
3. Identity
This seems the hardest point for any TCKid as far as I know… same to me… seems no need to explain it further coz you may refer to like 10 passages of explanations above… hahaha~
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January 2nd, 2008 at 11:27 am
I hear you; you sound exactly like me when I was your age and even now to a certain extent. Especially point 1. I tried not to complain about my “home” country when we moved back, because I also had made a big deal about how great moving back to the States would be, but I hated it once I got there.
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January 7th, 2008 at 5:24 pm
I am generally an outgoing person so when I’m quiet everyone always asks me what’s wrong. I do have a need to have alone time. Maybe take a long drive alone, or go somewhere just to write, go take a hike alone. When I do this people around me think there’s something going on with me, but I just need that time to regroup, collect my thoughts, and think up new idea’s. Most people don’t understand this need to just be with myself.
The career thing….what career? “I’ve got an idea, maybe I can do this, or that, or whatever”….always end up back in sales, no matter where I am, easy for me and there is always a need for a sales person in any industry.
Of course the classic…if they’re not a tckid they just can’t relate and most of the time don’t even try and relate to our experiences. Always feel that yes I know the other person better because I ask questions…maybe they just don’t know what questions to ask??
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January 9th, 2008 at 2:39 am
I so know what you mean about number #1 and #2.
1. Parents making you feel like you are ungrateful because you miss what you lost!\\
2. Friends that don’t keep in touch! Like bestest bestest friends who are less than curious about how you are doing a couple of months later… when months after you are still wondering about them!! Damn it, people!!!
#3. For me is when you don’t make new friends for a while. Having to settle sometimes for people who may not get along with that great just to fit into the new place you live. (I dont recommend doing it… i certainly learned from it tho. I think i rather be a complete LONER than someone who is surrounded by people they dont really like!)
Once i begun to deal with some of my grief.. life has been looking much better each month. Its not an easy road but thats how life is sometimes so just gotta stick to it!
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January 9th, 2008 at 3:07 am
In response to question 2:
I literally *lost* a friend of mine, another TCK, after we both left primary school and both sets of parents began a crazy run of moving house. We wrote, but I got one letter nearly a year after it was written (and I later found out 3 countries later as well, 4 for me). This was in the days before email and the internet.
There is an answer, it’s not perfect, but I actually found my friend, working only a few hundred yards from where I work, after 12 years, and we’ve actually managed to pick up where we left off! The answer? FACEBOOK!!!
As I said, not perfect. But one advantage of being a TCK is that when we do stay in touch with special friends, we’re guaranteed foreign holidays!
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January 9th, 2008 at 9:30 am
1. Friends. My relationships with them are so short, and as I grew older it was getting harder to form them. Especially when in my school people have lived in Belgium (where I’m from and where I am now) their whole life. I’ve moved around so much that I never lived in Belgium and never had gotten to know it. So now I only have online friends and a close real life one living in Australia.
2. Family. Since I was usually in some country far away from Belgium, this caused me to grow distant from them. I never really had even been close to them. There was also a large language barrier since I speak English as a first language and my Dutch barely scraped by to make me bilingual. I even still have problems today, and I’ve been studying it for the past 3 years.
3. “Where are you from?” “Well, technically, I am from Belgium but… -insert 6 countries that I had been to- ”
I am getting sick of that question. Belgium was never my home, it’s only my home because my passport says it is. The end.
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January 18th, 2008 at 8:59 am
1) Loss of friends and family - I barely talk to my own family anymore and it has been years since I’ve seen them. I have first cousins who I haven’t even met, and I only even talk to one of my cousins (we were inseperable as kids) superficially on facebook/myspace sites. Same deal with my friends, as we’ve all moved away to different countries we have all lost touch and I don’t even know where 3/4 of them live now. The few I have found have grown up so different from me that it is now hard to find common ground on which to relate.
2) Identity loss - I have no idea who I am. I do not belong to my home country nor the country I live in. I have extreme trust issues and cannot get comfortable with a group of friends because as a kid, I was used to having to leave as soon as I became comfortable in my situation. Yes, I have lived in the same place for 10 yrs now but the residual effects of those earlier years haunt me. I have a constant insecurity from that lack of identity that harms every single one of my relationships.
3) Misplaced homesickness - Though nowadays, England and Holland would be as foreign to me as China, I still feel incredibly homesick for these two places, though I know the next time I return will be a huge shock and letdown from the fond memories I have of both places.
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January 20th, 2008 at 5:43 am
I’ve had lots of years in one place to process what happened throughout my childhood/teen/college years, and I’ve come to terms as well as come to appreciate the impact being a TCK has had on my life.
That being said, I do have certain experiences that will always bring that unsettled and insecure feeling to the surface if I dwell too long.
1. Repatriation
My family moved back to the US over spring break of my 8th grade year. My parents drove up from Istanbul to pick up my older brother and I from boarding school in Germany. I was finally feeling like I fit somewhere when I was at boarding school and assumed I would return within the next two years, to graduate in Germany. Didn’t happen. To say I was bitter is an understatement. However, I am still close friends with my best friend from high school, and I only moved about two hours away after getting married.
2. Pursuing Talents
I’m with Peter on this one. As far as sports, musical influence, and just plain getting to know whether I was bad, good, or able to excell at a certain activity was never really realized to its full extent in my life. That also reflected itself when it came time for me to choose a career, and ultimately I probably would have studied something other than what I did in college.
3. Building Meaningful/Lasting Relationships
I’ve been happily married for almost 12 years, with 2 children, 8 and 2 years old. However, throughout hs and college (until I met my husband) I found it difficult to trust anyone. I already felt like people in general were talking about the ‘weirdo’ who didn’t know how to act. Compound that with dating someone and feeling like people were critiqueing (sp) how I dated was a bit much. Thankfully, my husband has a high degree of “closemouthedness” which gave me the security of not being discussed in a “forum” of his friends.
Having reached the ripe ol’ age of 36 ;), I can look at the course my life has taken, and I feel quite proud that I’m relatively normal…ha, ha. I wouldn’t change my life, b/c my experiences have helped me gain more empathy for all types of people, not just TCKs. I can relate to many people, since there is such a gamut of experiences from which to pull a connection.
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January 20th, 2008 at 7:27 am
1. Fear of Commitment
Automatically pushing people away becuase your afraid of getting close then losing their friendship…this is especially frustrating with my guy friends…ive had numerous “unofficial” boyfriends but the minute one of them actually asks me to commit to a relationship i freak out and push them away.
2. Lost opportunities
e.g. having to leave really good schools with 98% automatic entrace to Ivy League universitys and being dragged to a small island with no real options where you have to start all over again
3. will add later
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January 20th, 2008 at 10:22 am
1) Friends. I can’t move my friendships beyond the casual stage, and I miss having good friends to talk to. Being married helps a lot, but I still wish I could make friends. My friendships rarely last more than two years.
2)Identity loss/background loss. My childhood is 6000 miles away. The break was so clean - I repatriated for college, leaving my history in Germany. It’s been hard to reclaim my past. I know who I am now, but I was lost for a while.
3) Being a perpetual outsider. Again, I’ve grown to accept it. I’m a square peg living in a round hole, and that’s okay. But I do get lonely, and I’m tired of being misunderstood.
That said, I don’t think being a TCK sucks. Sure, I have problems. But if I grew up stateside and never left the country, I’d still have problems. I’d rather have these problems. My life is richer for where I’ve been and what I’ve witnessed, and I wouldn’t trade my perspective for anything.
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January 21st, 2008 at 2:31 am
1. there’s no place called “HOME”! your confused about where to settle?
2. after settling at one place for a few years, you feel like moving on.
3. due to constantly relocating, your contacts/ friends are left behind and no long term relationship is possible.
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January 22nd, 2008 at 6:59 pm
1) having to hide parts of myself from others, and even from myself, because i know that i will always have to leave it behind.
2) always feeling stuck. no matter where i am, no matter how long ive been there
3) losing contact with the few good friends i have. its nice to feel like i can rely on someone, knowing that they will do their best to be there for me. and when i lose a relationship that good with someone, i feel that much more lost.
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January 23rd, 2008 at 6:08 am
1) The feeling of sadness when you look back to the good old days and realized how much you missed it and how sorry it had to end. The feeling of what could’ve happened if you never moved.
2) The feeling you are missing out on a chunk of someone important’s life for not being there.
3) Visas. I hate these things. Why can’t we move freely from country to country? LOL Why can’t we all get along?
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January 28th, 2008 at 9:47 am
not fitting into my culture(s) and not knowing if I want to-
I can soo relate to that! one of the reasons it took me so long to sort of settle in my ‘home country’is that I didn’t really know if I wanted to
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February 3rd, 2008 at 9:17 am
I am glad that I grew up overseas. My family is very close because, for years, all we had was each other. Being a TCK isn’t easy, but, as has been said several times, I wouldn’t change it for the world. I recently left my family and China to go to college in a little town in NW Oklahoma where my grandmom lives. Wow! Talk about culture shock!!
1. Ignorance of pop culture. I haven’t seen all the movies that everyone else has seen. I haven’t listened to all the music; I don’t know all the actors and singers and sports heroes. Even though my friends know that I grew up in another country, they don’t seem to understand that it means I grew up in a different pop culture. I know other movies/actors/singers/sports heroes which brings me to my next point.
2. Isolation. I can’t find anyone who cares enough to learn about what I know. And why should anyone? Nothing I have to say is anything that anyone else can relate to. I can’t share my favorite songs and artists with my American friends because they can’t understand what is being said. I can’t explain why certain movies are my favorite because, even though I look the same as my American friends, my values and opinions are a unique mixture of the east and the west.
3. Identity. It has been mentioned many times before, but I have to bring it up again. How can I be myself when the people around me can’t relate to me? I don’t want to always be lecturing my friends about my life in China, my experiences, the things that make me who I am. I don’t want to sound like I’m bragging, “While you spent your whole life living in a town of 40,000 people, I lived in an exotic country far away in a city with more people than your entire state!” So, I keep quiet. I try to identify with them, and I end up playing an elaborate role of make-believe. I’m pretending to be someone that they can relate to, so I just keep hiding all my confusion inside.
My parents were never TCKs, so they have a hard time understanding what it’s like for my brothers and me. But they have always been so caring and sensitive. From reading the comments above, I see that this is rare. My home is always with my family. I call my parents about every week and we talk for hours. Yes, it’s expensive, but they are the only ones who really know me. I just don’t think I could handle the pressure of being a TCK without them. They have tried from the very beginning to make this a positive experience for us. I’m very grateful for everything they’ve done for me.
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February 7th, 2008 at 8:18 am
I thought I had somehow dealt with it by deciding for one country and sticking to it for over the past 10 years. However, there are always those nightmares of being shipped into a plane and not being able to go home. These dreams make me feel like I was living a double life, during the day I live in Santiago, during the night it can be Budapest, Madrid or Madras and there is always the airplane. Something always happens last minute and I am told I can´t go back to Santiago. This consumes a lot of my energy, I wake up all spaced out and it sucks, I´m very sensitive to these dreams and they screw up my day.
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February 7th, 2008 at 8:32 am
I still have funny dreams where I turn the corner in a familiar city and then I’m somewhere I don’t recognize at all and I’m lost!
This can happen when I turn the corner or go back to get something because I forgot something and then the road disappears, or I get on a train and it goes somewhere unrecognizable.
It probably has something to do with having moved around :p
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February 12th, 2008 at 7:39 pm
Restlessness and uncertainty
I Dont sleep very well, want to move all the time.I Love airports but hate going to them because I have this unresloved conflict of weather I should just blow all my money and fly away to some other place! I can never settle, which is really bad now that I am in college because I cant decide if I have the right major, or if I am in the right place or if I should transfer to a german Uni. Also this situation is not helped by my father who emails me at least onece a week with links to different Uni’s in Europe. How annoying.But mostly not knowing weather I want to do with my life and where I want to spend it. I never stop thinking about this. The idea that I may not be able to make it as a classical musician or ever get a job teaching at an international school makes me so anxious!
2. Hiding emotions 3. fear of opening up and having relationships
I am really good at hiding my feelings.If you meet me you would think I was a very happy love life type of person, which I am normally, but I never shoe any other emotions. If I am so good at hiding my grief to make my parents not feel bad about moving me and my brother all the time. Although I act happy all the time I have trouble letting out my emotions. I conceal them so well but they all bult up so that through all of highschool and even sometimes in college I just cry uncontrollably alone in my room. The only person who has ever seen me like this is my brother, who is the only person in the world who has an idea of what I feel like. Even he and I have has vastly different experiences, he was so much younger than I. I moved mostly during my adolescence(well still am I am only 18), and it wasnt until my last lear of high school that I had 3 friends who were going to last a life time. But then in august I was stung again by that bitter emotion of leaving any sense of security or love. Never again will I open myself up like that again… rrr….I cant believe I thought it would hurt less if I allowed myself to really love those people. I hope we don;t lose contact, but over time it is inevitable, I know this from experience. ;-(
I am lucky to be a TCK, but there are so many things that I never knew or will. Like living in the same place longer than 4 years or having a stable community who understands, me. I dont even know how to open myself up to anyone because I know that they wont understand me at all. It is so hard to have relationships with some people. I mean, I dont blame them or myslef , but I hope some day I will get over this.
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February 21st, 2008 at 12:47 pm
1. It’s always me who has to look strong, reliable and smile all the time, just because I am apparently the “more experienced and open-minded” person. So I should always be understanding toward other people’s pathetic complaints about life that’s honestly not half as problematic as my own.
2. It’s ok if they always want me to be all understanding because obviously I should be, but it’s SICKENING when they never try to understand you and they feel like you were born to be different and not understood, and they think we don’t need to be understood and we are not human or sumthing.
3. Sometimes, we get those moments when we look at mono-culture people and just get reli sick. Obviously we understand that’s how they grew up but the way they act like no other races exist in the world and don’t give a damn about global issues and actually say the most DISCRIMINATING things ever while thinking they are totally being reasonable DRIVES ME INSANE! CUZ THEY ARE NOT! Esepecially annoying when your whole family is mono-culture. And since I am Chinese I hear a lot of rude comment toward homosexuality from family and people. I get so angry because some of my best frds are les, and i want to punch ppl for insulting them but i Can’t cuz they would be like “OMG U SUPPORT HOMOSEXUALITY OMG THIS KID IS BRAINWASHED SAVER HER!” so yah in situations like this I can only hurt myself to release anger, bite my fist so I don’t scream out insults or punch them in the face.
wow that was quite a rant.
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February 22nd, 2008 at 6:56 am
1. Friends: Having lost touch with my childhood friends means I don’t have any friends that I’ve known more than a couple of years. I moved from Brussels 12 years ago to a small village in northern Denmark - you would get beat up for wearing the wrong sweater: imagine being from another country. Basically, this made my transition living hell, and I’m still recovering twelve years later.
2. People who Downplay The Importance of Cultures: a lot of my closest friends have absolutely no idea that there is a disadvantage in having lived different places. Knowing langages/cultures is a plus, but going through a lot of your life feeling like a freak is not one of them! Also - if you’re monocultural, you have no idea what it actually MEANS to have been imerged in diff. culture. Yes, we’re all human, no we’re not all alike.
3. Playing the Chameleon: If you constantly hurt yourself to the values of the New Culture, you end up thinking that there’s something wrong with you, because a lot of their behaviour hurts your feelings and your beliefs at the same time. Thus, you end up having relations with people that somehow feel “fake” - because you can never really tell them how you feel.
Although being intercultural has many, many advantages, I think we only fully realise it later in life, once we’ve acquired some perspective to what actually happened.
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March 1st, 2008 at 3:15 am
I think I might be in a very minority group of people that think this way, but I actually think that being a TCK has helped me form better relationships! Because I am used to saying goodbye, I open up a lot easier and faster so that no time is wasted! I don’t want to miss out on what could be an amazing friendship simply because I was too shy for the first year to actually let them know who the real me is! To me, it is like the saying, “Its better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”. Yes, you might leave them behind or they might leave you behind and never see each other again but the friendship and connection you shared for even the briefest time will always be with you in your memories, and you will always have the knowledge that you are always in their memories. That connection, is to me, what being human is all about and because TCK’s tend to have to build this connection with more people than a ‘normal’ person would, makes us privileged!
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March 1st, 2008 at 5:05 am
That’s true for me too. Our friendships might be short, but they can be very intense, and extremely rewarding.
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March 1st, 2008 at 5:14 am
Personally I think the title makes a fairly big assumption that being a TCK sucks in the first place.
Being a TCK doesn’t suck. It’s just human. If we were mono-cultural we’d still find things to suck about, and that would just be being human too.
It just seems to have an overwhelmingly negative slant. As if it were a curse.
It’s not a blessing or a curse, because we’re human and are the product of ourselves and our environments. You just learn to make the most of it, just like everything else.
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March 1st, 2008 at 9:19 am
Now, as an adult, I love being a TCK. But “reentry” at age 12 sucked! It wasn’t reentry — I had never lived in Canada before.
1. Change in climate. I hate cold, rainy places. I had always had sunshine and heat.
2. Being “stupid”. I didn’t know the pop culture, the slang, the styles. I had never ridden a school bus, used a drinking fountain or a phone, had a street address to memorize, been to a mall… The things I knew had nothing to do with the new life I was in. No one cared that I knew how to shop in three languages, how to bargain, how to find my way in most major airports, how to recognize the signs of typhoid and malaria… Even today in grad school, I find I don’t know as much of the culture as I thought I did. I’m totally confused when they talk about tv shows from my childhood; we didn’t have tv overseas.
3. Losing friends. I have met most of them again since we left home, but my best childhood friend I have never found again. It took a long time to make a lasting friendship.
I had depression, grief, suicidal tendencies, rage, and loneliness. It took a lot of work to deal with, but now that I am on the “other side”, I am so grateful for my growing up. I know that there is life outside of “Hickville, USA”; I speak at least a little of several languages, and quickly pick up new ones; I can relate to many cultures and don’t have issues with racism (except Canadians!); I travel overseas a lot, something I’ve discovered my US friends are nervous about doing; when countries are on the news, I know where they are and usually a little about the nation; I know that North America is not the center of the universe!
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March 2nd, 2008 at 12:15 pm
1. The Beginning
When you arrive in a new country and you look out your window and see a city you don’t know, like, or are interested in, and yet you know you’ll have to live here for at least a year. When you get to school and you just feel sick in your stomach for the 1st few days because the kids ignore you, the teachers patronize you, and when you get home you have nothing to do. When you miss your old friends and home so much you want to cry.
2. The Middle
When you look around at your classmates and wonder why you can’t laugh like they do, why you don’t know all the stuff they know, why you can’t get as good friends with others as other get with their friends. When you feel so different, not as happy, and older.
3. The End
When, despite everything, you get to become good buddies with people, you like the culture, the school has grown on you, and you learn you’ll be moving in a few months. The pain of saying goodbye to everyone and knowing most of them you’ll never see again, you won’t stay friends with, and that you might never come back to the place you spent a whole year or two in.
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March 3rd, 2008 at 7:49 am
I’m 19 and i’ve moved 12 times in my life..the longest i lived anywhere was 4 years and that was ONCE, when i was in elementary school…after that i’ve basically moved every 11 months.
being a TCK sucks right now because well….i just have NOT IDEA who i am. i feel like all i’ve been doing in my life is adjusting to this place or the other..this culture, that culture, this person, that person..all to fit in, make “friends” and get by.
i’m sick of not knowing whether i am somebody…
i also feel very lonely all the time. i get sick of trying to explain my issues to people because their answers make me feel like “everybody” goes through them…and i know that’s not the case. it feels like friends simply minimize and underestimate whatever im going through…and i mean..i cant blame them. they dont know what it is like.
i guess the worse thing is being depressed right now. i’m alone in the US, my younger brother is in Chile and my parents are in the Philippines. i haven’t seen my family for over 14 months and i dont know when i’ll see them again. i’m going through a rough time financially, so i work part time in order to pay for school, but it’s way too much. i can’t really do both..but i dont hava much of a choice if i want to go to college…so yea. i can’t sleep but once i fall asleep i dont want to wake up again (EVER). i don’t eat cause im never hungry…i mean..i do eat once a day cause i know i have to, but most of the time i feel like NOT EATING. lately i’ve been thinking of not eating anything for a couple of days to faint in class/work or something..i just wanna do anything that will let me stop working and studying. i need a break..i feel like i have no space to breathe anymore.
my parents keep on telling me to go see a psychologist, but i dont want to. i was supposed to go this morning, but i felt like crap so i didnt show up.
so i guess right now i HATE
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March 3rd, 2008 at 7:50 am
woops..i hate being a TCK.
i’ll get better eventually..
i hope.
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March 3rd, 2008 at 7:49 pm
Constanza, is there a counselor at your school you can talk to? That might be more comfortable than going to an “official” psychologist. Y’know, start small and work your way up to the real deal.:) Please do try to find someone to talk to in person.
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March 3rd, 2008 at 8:07 pm
yea..i actually went to the conseling center of my school and they’ll find me someone to talk to.
they’re supposed to call me tomorrow..so i guess that’s something good.
thanks for your concern sondra!
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March 4th, 2008 at 2:11 am
Constanza: I think you have way too much commitments right now - as in working to pay for your schooling & living. Some people can handle this workload very well but it’s not for everyone.
You are overworked and way too tired and that I think in itself can make you depressed and unbalanced. It can also make you lose your appetite.
When I moved from conference interpreting to account management and had a lot of catching up to do in terms of studying marketing. I used to read marketing books every waking moment when I wasn’t doing my job…and I lost my appetite and lost 6-7 kg…or was it even more? When my weight hit 43 kg I knew I had to eat or end up in the hospital for anorexia, so I ate a lot of high calorie food in the evenings. But guess what? Once there’s a down hill momentum it takes a few days for the weight gain to kick in again - so after eating A LOT - I was down to 42 kg the next day and I thought: arrrgh I’ve gotta eat! So I continued eating until my weight started creeping upward to 45 kg again.
Our work hours were 14-16 hour days by the way. And I was thinking: No wonder people die from Karooshi in Japan and no wonder there’s a word for it!
I think trying to eat healthy and trying to get at least 7-8 hours of sleep at night will help you feel better (even though it doesn’t make all your problems go away), but I don’t know if you can afford to do that :S
Hope you feel better soon - and remember that by trying to get better education you’re doing the right thing to make your future a brighter one! You are going through a very tough time now and nobody should brush this aside and say everyone goes through it because not everyone has it this hard.
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March 4th, 2008 at 9:32 am
thank you so much Ayako.
this is something i like about this community..people take me seriously and don’t think that i’m over-reacting to stuff
i have 2 months of school left so i think i can push myself to finish this semester. after that i’m not sure what i’m going to do. i’ve been talking to my parents and i think i want to go to chile for the summer and get “therapy” while im there..at least see a counselor and have time to see my relatives (who i haven’t seen for 6 years) and childhood friends. it’ll be nice to go to my passport country and see how things have changed, relax, etc.etc.
my most recent idea is to take next school year off and go to spain or england to work (i have a good friend in spain and an uncle in england) and save up some money to pay for school. right now my parents are in no conditions of helping me and because im not a US resident or citizen i can’t get any financial aid. i do have a scholarship from my university, but it doesn’t cover everything. so i don’t quiet know what i’m going to do…but i don’t even want to think of coming back to school next year with no money. it’s just too hard! i never get a break because i work during the school year and i work full time at an office during breaks, and if i can i clean houses on the weekends.
so anyways
glad to know that sondra and ayako cared.
THANKS A LOT!!!
i feel better already.
at least i know some people understand.
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March 4th, 2008 at 9:44 am
Hola Constanza,
Yo también soy de Chile, en este momento estoy viviendo en Brasil pero en septiembre vuelvo a Santiago. Cualquier cosa que necesites, ponte en contacto.
Animo y cariños.
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March 4th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
Hola Asha,
que genial encontrar a alguien mas de chile por aqui!
por que vives en brasil? trabajas alla o vives con tu familia?
si usas msn agregame! (constanza.gv@hotmail.com)
y mil gracias por la buena disposicion.
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March 14th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
1. whenever i suggest moving somewhere else to my parents, i always get “DO YOU EXPECT US TO PACK UP AND MOVE AGAIN?
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March 15th, 2008 at 8:34 am
I can’t think of three things but here’s my major issue with the TCK life.
FRIENDS
I’ve developed very close bonds with several people over the last 7 years and it really sucks not knowing if/when I’ll ever see them again as they’re living so far away from me. I’d love to go visit them but my current financial state doesn’t allow for that to happen and that won’t change for at least another few years. I’m pretty good at keeping in touch with them but I miss my very good friends a lot, they’re in my mind so often and sometimes I can go on for a few months without having an actual conversation with any of them - emails can only express so much - which frustrates me and more often than not makes me depressed.
I miss having them around to hang out with. Sometimes I just wanna have dinner or watch a movie with them. I’ve been struggling quite a bit these past couple of months with not having someone who understands me around, especially because work has been stressful and all I would need is just a big hug from a very close friend to make me feel better. It gets really hard.
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March 24th, 2008 at 2:41 pm
1. Always feeling out of place, both in my culture of origin and in the current culture.
2. Not being able to explain to the non-TCK world that “yes! It does make a difference!”
3. Loss of friendships.
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March 31st, 2008 at 8:21 am
For me it was several things.
1. repatriation. I returned from Germany when I was almost 7 and I hated it that there were no flower boxes, magical castles and beautiful little shops and forests. In less than a year, my parents divorced so that didn’t help. I hated my home country and didn’t fit in.
2. Not fitting in. I used to think this was because my mother taught me to think for myself, but I think it has more to do with being a TCK because too many TCK’s don’t fit in either. My youngest brother only spent a year when he was 3 and 4 in Okinawa but then was in his home country for most of the rest of his growing up. He is the only one of my siblings that lived in one country from kindergarten through college and he fits in so much better than my older brother and I who are both TCK/CCK/Army Brats.
3. No friends and as such, no one to rely on when times get tough. I hear other people talking about their close friends that were there for them and I feel so alone and alienated. Even though it has made me more self sufficient, it is very lonly in here. There’s no network for support and friendship.
4. When I am in my home country I don’t fit in, but when I travel and stay for a while in another country, I still don’t fit in. Oh for a while I was able to sort of dive under the foreign culture and blend in, but eventually my home culture creeps in to make me feel different. Being in a foreign culture feels good and is like hiding behind an identity for a while….it helps me forget that I am lonly.
What I would like MOST is to find other TCK/CCK/and or Army Brats here in Flagstaff. I don’t know how to start a network.
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March 31st, 2008 at 11:16 am
Being a TCK Sucks because:-
1. Repatriation and Identity: I thought going back to my home country would be incredible and I would fit in easily. Unfortunately it wasn’t like that. I couldn’t fit in and even now I still don’t fit in with my country mates living abroad. I do love my country but somehow I feel my country does not love me.
There were times I would cry because I didn’t know my local languages (I don’t know why it seems like being African is synonymous with the languages that you speak). Now I know Czech (like intermediate level) and I’m learning Spanish (still a beginner). I feel stateless.
2. Relationships: I don’t like people getting to close to me. I cannot keep a boyfriend and all my friendships have ended because someone moved away. I have only managed to keep one friend from childhood.
3. Inferiority and focus: Some people say that my life is interesting. I never saw it that way and I seldom talk about my past or life willingly. I used to be suicidal between the ages of 14-18. I used to bottle all my feelings up inside me because no one understood.
In secondary school I would have been voted most likely to succeed and most focused student. But since then I’ve been changing courses ever so often. But I will stick to what I am doing now, Public Health (I guess I found what I like, finally)
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April 10th, 2008 at 9:37 pm
I am not sure as to whether this will pertain to your struggles, but to share with you what has happened to me lately is that when I had interests in someone and he also showed interests in me, I did not take it to the next level. For a couple of days, I was hurting so much inside by the thought of getting together with him that I stopped having any feelings for him. It was some sort of defense mechanism that shut me down from seeking any relationships–and I think it was not necessarily about him and also to many of my good friends I’ve found it difficult to open up.
The pain was big enough for me to pursue any more friendships. I thought I had so much love and care for my friends…but then I want to stop caring and just be numb towards them. ::sigh::
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April 10th, 2008 at 9:57 pm
I am sorry to hear that, USAFinn.
It sure must have been hard for you to have finally gained something near to a sense of home and friends and having to lose them again.
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April 10th, 2008 at 10:02 pm
Matthew,
I can relate to 1) and 2) although I did not grow up in an isolated small village like you have. I spent my high school lonely, not that I want to have self-pity on myself but the loneliness has made me a more out-going person. Please do know that there are people out there that understand you and feel for you. I wish I could do one thing that will make you happy today. hehe. Welcome to TCKID!
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April 10th, 2008 at 10:04 pm
3) -> haha.. I don’t want to start on this one, either. It’s too much on my plate to think about right now.
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April 10th, 2008 at 10:11 pm
3) not knowing -> I think I have become stronger by “knowing” the typical TCK struggles. “Knowing” is analogical to fighting a battle. If you know that there is a battle and what is going on, you can fight. But in the case where you sense there is a battle but cannot discern what is happening, you can be confused and have less strength to fight–for you do lack the big picture. I am sure you are already aware of this but thought of sharing. hehe
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April 10th, 2008 at 10:22 pm
“No matter how you phrase it, it sounds very strange and pathetic when you try to explain that blanket means home. The blanket is still there.”
-> I almost always keep all the notes/letters/small presents from friends even if they are small things like Post-its. I have difficulties letting these objects go (I have considered at some point in my life that when my house got on fire, the box of letters from friends will be one of the first objects to come into rescue!). This is as though “love” of my friends and “home” are embedded in them. =)
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April 10th, 2008 at 10:28 pm
That made sense, Isabella. Thanks for sharing with us. I can relate to all three!
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April 10th, 2008 at 10:38 pm
yay! i agree! “a gamut of experiences from which to pull a connection.”
also, I am happy for you to have met your husband who has a high degree of “closemouthedness.”
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April 10th, 2008 at 11:03 pm
Lauren, you have touched my heart deeply. People around me see me as a happy love life type of person, too. I may look and act hyper but many a times when I am alone in my room, I crash down uncontrollably. I just wish the best for my friends–to be happy and not have them involved with my problems. When I do share my struggles with them, I feel misunderstood and hurt that I have learned to be more reserved about sharing the deepest feelings.
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April 10th, 2008 at 11:25 pm
Constanza,
You seem like a good person
this is my broken Spanish but..
Estoy apesadumbrado para su situación. Le mantendré mis rezos.
Hoping you the best
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April 10th, 2008 at 11:28 pm
I wish I could be there for you, Aisyah.
Here is my (((hug)))
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April 10th, 2008 at 11:37 pm
I am not sure how helpful this may be, but have you considered posting fliers that will catch the attention of the TCK? This is an idea that has come up to me recently and that is to post a question “Do you hate the question “Where are you from?”" and maybe include one more question that reflects typical TCK and then say, “If so, find out more at ____(place name e.g. coffee shop) on _____(day and time). I think this might be an interesting way to meet other TCKs. Also, another idea is to have your contact information say email underneath the flier so people can email you of their interests in the meeting.
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April 10th, 2008 at 11:42 pm
I am glad you have found something you will stick to =)
It’s not easy when linguistically challenged but I am looking forward to seeing you become a success, Anayawa.
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April 11th, 2008 at 4:37 am
….So true….!!!!
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April 17th, 2008 at 11:39 pm
Well I am in my 1/4 life crisis right now at 21. I would say for the first 1/2 of my life I LOVED being a TCK. BUt now I am not so sure…
1) I am VERY willing to open up and rush into friendships, but this severely impairs my judgment into what kind of person I SHOULD be friends with. One can find themselves in pretty terrible company because they are just happy to make a new friend NOT MATTER WHO IT IS THAT’s INTERESTED
2) You can float forever (it feels like). I am currently doing correspondences courses for Indiana University. It is terribly unfulfilling. I am a bit of a social butterfly, but I can’t get a Job in the country I am currently living in because there are too many factors I don’t know about. When will I move, where will I move, how will I save enough money, what will my parents assist me in and approve of… ect.
3) I am an affection and attention fiend. And when I don’t get it… I have a tendency to be an extremist. I don’t really know what it is like for a friend to ALWAYS be there for me. So the SECOND I think someone has lost interest in our friendship… I can say some pretty harsh things…which could potentially end the friendship or put rifts in it, even if it’s just over a stupid misunderstanding/miscommunication. Where do you stand? You know? How can you build confidence in a friendship if you never really had the time or know how to have a successful one?
*4) This may pertain only to me BUT- My parents aren’t TCK’s. They are both from Solid Family Backgrounds so they don’t really understand what kind of psychological affects are going on at these critical points in your life when you are always on the move. Most of the time they just tell me I am a whiner :(. SO I am torn between feeling GUILTY for having so much trouble and wanting to just suck it up and be happyl… and Whine about how I have a certain emotional handicap from some bad experiences along the way…. I guess I do whine… a little
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April 18th, 2008 at 7:10 am
1. Not having a place that feels like ‘home’: I don’t actually have a home country. My mother is Danish, my father Irish, but I was born in Luxembourg, where I lived till I was nine. I tried living in Ireland for a few years, but I never felt the connection there. I now live in Denmark, but that connection of ‘home’ is just not there.
Ironically, living in Ireland made me feel less irish, and living in Denmark has made me feel less danish.
I have revisted Luxembourg many times since I left, because my father used to live there and I still have one or two friends there, and as much as I lived there till I was 9, I never thought of Luxembourg as home, and I still don’t. I have never felt much of a connection to Luxembourg, other than an old familiar place that I know well.
2. Having to explain all the time in great detail where I am from: When people ask me where I am from I just tell them “According to the paperwork I am half irish half danish.”
I can’t understand WHY people have this need to categorise others. When you can’t give them a foolproof answer, they get irritated, and then when we have to keep explaining where we are from, we get so irritated that we give up, then THEY think we are rude for not wanting to give them a chance to bloody well categorise us!?!?!
It makes me fume! The funny thing is, they don’t realise how much they ask where people are from, but when you can’t give a single worded concrete answer, then it’s hard not to notice.
It’s such a catch-22 situation! When you explain your background, your arrogant and a show off, when you don’t your rude and reticent!
3. Food cravings from other countries: When you live in a country, you get used to all the food there, and the sweets, like in asia you can get milo, or switzerland catatonia ( i think thats how it is spelled) or in most of europe you can get cadburys, but then you move to another place and they don’t have any of your favourites! so you make favourites all over the globe, only to be denied them when you move again… it makes me very sad… When I was in switzerland it was the worst, NO creme eggs!?!?! It was terrible! Then, in Denmark they have loads of little things you can’t get outside of scandinavia which are AMAZING! (To be perfectly honest part of why i moved was partially for the sweets…heheh) or in Luxembourg they have really nice huit’s in the bakeries, or apfeltasch!
and, the worst, the absolute worst for me, is that they don’t sell Bourisn in Denmark… I’M DYING of withdrawal symptoms!
Ok, I know it’s great for my hips this forced diet of none of my fav cheese spread… but STILL! It’s torture…
To be honest, I love being a TCK, I wouldn’t change it for the world, but those would be the biggest drawbacks for me…
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April 18th, 2008 at 11:32 am
It’s true that the positive of being a TCK outweighs the negative, but those few negatives are the hardest hurdles to overcome, more so often when you come back “home”. In lands that are not native to you, your awkwardness and emotions are expected due to you being a forginer and more so often you’ll be among people who have gone through the same experience. But once you’re in your country of origin these emotions are magnified. In your home country you expected to fit in, no one gives you the benefit of the doubt and whatever emotions you’re going through very few people understand. The land you once thought you can call home is now the farthest thing from it.
This is how I feel at the moment in the USA, after living for 13 years in Arabia. I came here thinking that I would fit in some way in a culture more native to me. God I was wrong. I guess also being a TCK you tend to develop a norm that for some reason or another in your native country is a pretty high standard. Where I lived talks of religion, politics and culture were a common discussion (even with my stoner friends!), here nothing. It feels that you have fallen from the intellectual realm into the realm of the epitimy of the layman. I keep trying to adapt and lower the intensity of conversation, but I kills me anytime I try to be something I’m not. But with these high expectations that come naturally to TCK’s will limit their social life. I find I have no real interest in dating over here, or even merely having a friendship. Some say that the basses of friendship is commonality and cant seen any over here.
I do find TCK’s here and there, but as always history repeats its self. They always go away. I meet them and it turns out in a week I lose them from that ever expanding sea that separates hearts and emotions to all.
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April 18th, 2008 at 11:45 am
Hi Miyon,
Just came across your comments!
I do find that the ability to relate in some way (be it ever so small) to someone new helps in bridging potentially awkward situations.
And yeah, my husband is not one to gossip, which helps with trust, A LOT! Esp., since we went to small Christian college, where, believe it or not, gossip was at a premium, b/c “news” was shared sometimes in guise of a “prayer request”, etc. Nice, huh?! Happens in churches too, unfortunately.
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April 19th, 2008 at 5:55 am
Omar, I feel your pain. You are trying to connect yourself with people and being friendly towards them but they seem apathetic. It must be hurtful especially when even TCK’s go away. I’ve had moments when other TCK’s didn’t get my struggles and left me frustrated (Back t